Letting Go

Tis the season. I've done it once before. I made the transition with my oldest daughter from high school to college 4 years ago. It was a bitter sweet time. I had a heaviness in my heart when I dropped my girl off and drove away, seemingly leaving her behind. But underneath it all I knew this was how it should be. Watching your child step out into the world. I was honored and touched to be a part of that journey with her. The transition, looking back, was perfect. We are still close. I honor and admire the woman she has become. I am blessed. We are still close to this day and that is one of the greatest honors of my life.

Now I watch all the kiddos my youngest daughters age travel off on their journey. Its bitter sweet to watch. I know the emotions the moms are feeling, watching their kids step out into the world. I know dads are having them as well, but I am a mom. :) As a mom I am having some emotions this season as well.

I don't have a kiddo to drop off at school this year. My youngest started her transition into adulthood early. My last "first day of school picture" was her senior year last year. Senior year lasted all of a couple of weeks for her. It was fraught with friendships chosen from a not mentally well place. Trauma of a friends suicide. A summer in a manic depression and self destruction. I came home from work a few weeks into the school year to find her home and done with school. Our path in school was never a straight one. A mental health diagnosis had always made the journey more of a challenge. There was a school change, home schooling, and moving to the city to put her in a school that seemed to suit her left brain/right brain thinking. And for a minute it was beautiful. Then more trauma, and she crashed. Last september she passed her GED with flying colors. No high school graduation. No parties. No marking a milestone. Just another check off the list of things required to get through life. And continued downward spirals. The third hospitalization in her life. Promises and hearts broken. That was "senior year"

Now as other kiddos start school, I am unattached to the sense of how things "should be" for me or my youngest. The traditional route is not hers. I've grown to accept that. I've grown to accept that I will be judged for the way things have happened along the way. Everyone not living the actual journey always has a take on it. I accept that too. The hole left in my heart is just that my youngest's mental health demons robbed me of any beautiful transitions. Her departure was traumatic and rough. Yesterday I got a text she's moving into her own space. There was no joy in packing her, buying her linens or toilet paper or stupid little things like that. I don't even know where she lives anymore. Just that she found God, good people and a new "family" that she seems to indicate suit her better than I could. And if it's in her best interest, it will be another step in my journey of letting go. Letting go of the relationship I had hoped for with my children when they were little. Letting go of control of a reality I seem to not have the same memory of. Letting go of outcomes. Letting go of ego of others opinions. Letting go of knowing.  So much to let go. How I wouldn't give to let go beautifully. Hug them and send them off with love if you are so lucky.